Friday, August 31, 2012

ain't dirty...

The building shakes .. oh!! this would be the answer to all my pain , maybe the world will  end  now ! 
First thing came to my mind is to tweet you , telling you what is going on here , thinking this would be my last tweet and i need to thank you for all the things we shared  and for that beautiful , painful , tearful , exciting ,  nourishing, satisfying friendship , relationship we have.  When I'm gone.. ? When i'll be ashes ...  ?Would it give you peace then ? Will it make you happy then ? Would life be more beautiful  and sacred now.
 But have to tell you , i didn't  make your life messy  nor dirty. Why have i made it  , when you don't even respond to my romantic touches even through words or any simple gestures , you have n't and you did not..
Not a single " miss " word i heard from you , the more that "  love " word.. What makes it dirty then  ?, Is it dirty because i am verbally telling you what is inside ? Is it dirty when one is just being true to herself ? Is it dirty when i am just so honest to myself. Is it dirty when  in your front i just express freely whats inside .Is it dirty when i showed no inhibitions and  hesitation solely in you alone. Never i am doing it to anybody else but to you only.. Is it dirty  still  when body and soul is given to you alone ? If it is for you , then i don't know ..i can't be holier than holy .. I can't be  others ..i am what i am ! Dirty in your eyes maybe  , but i know myself , that's the only thing i can boast to you and to my God. Loving is not a dirty thing , it is a sacred thing , not all feels and experience. I am just having an overflowing love and affection to you which you never like and which also i can't do nothing about it. Maybe i can regulate it but can never take it out , for it is not a technical error nor just a dirt or a stain, it is a sacred emotion of an individual.. Hope you realize that. Don't keep on scolding me , driving me out , pushing me away ,  for if i can't bear it all ..i will return to God this life he has given to me without asking God's consent. You have to know , everyday i am bleeding ,  and it is really painful , i can never make myself happy anymore. You remember that , when you say a simple thing or do very little something , i always told made me so happy , i am so happy . I am not asking for big favors but just a small thing and it always means a lot to me.. But its so okay if even small thing you can't spare i all understand the compulsions you have in your life. I always understand you , but i don't know if you also understand me  .

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